hmmm...

Last night I got sucked into watching Devil Wear Prada. Something hit me when I realized that you know what! Even though I have decided to no longer design and stay the path I am on. I can STILL LOVE FASHION and not stress about why I am not designing it . I know STOOPID simple but hey I think to much! Although I will say the new September Vogue was pretty decent but MAN September W was the THINNEST I have ever seen it. But with a weak economy who wants to spend money on the designer brand. It sucks but it is the truth. But it is a nice warm feeling that I have when I see a new amazing design or a well tailored garment. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!

Conversations with my Mom...

This past weekend my parents came up to take Juju school clothes shopping. WE WERE REALLY HAPPY ABOUT THAT!!! She looks like a human hi-lighter but can't hate when I used to look like that at 13 as well. BUT I was not even HALF as cool as she is...SERIOUSLY! They took us out to lunch and to dinner. It was at dinner when the conversation between my Mom and I got deep. It has taken me years to view my Mother not as the dominant scary crusher of dreams and life itself. We are now at the point of boundaries and understanding. We can talk as friends which is a place I never thought possible. I know my Mom would love that with her Older sister who lives not far from me...but neither of us speak to her. Because she dwells only in the past and in lies. Maybe one day it could happen for her but that is their sibling relations and I stay out of it and AWAY from her.

ANYWAY back to our convo! I had finally told N8 the night before about what and where my path in life is heading. I have pondered and over thought. Which never really works but I know this is where God is taking me and I am on it for the ride. It took me 15 mins to work up the nerve to tell him. I had decided to sell off all of the remnants of what is left over from my time w/ Gurile Show Clothing. All of the fabrics that still lingered,notions and machines. I am getting rid of it all. I think the big blinking sign was how quickly I sold the industrial machine and then that very next day bought my 2 Micky Sharpz tattoo machines that became oddly available to someone who could not have bought them otherwise.And cost exactly the amount I sold the industrial for. I am still going to keep my basic machines that I bought before and well after Gurlie Show closed. I am ending the handbag making /jewelry making . After October once I have completed my 2 large baking obligations I am ending Sugar Ducks as well. I will likely get rid of most of that also. I told N8 I want to fully concentrate on tattooing. I love it LOVE IT LOVE IT! Once I owned that choice and said it out loud it became easier to embrace it and say yes this is what I do. For the first time in my 38 years being alive and 20 years being on my own. I can say I am doing this...I am a Tattoo Artist. His reply " Well it's about time!"

Now in general I have always thought my parents were denial denial denial about what I did in my life. Maybe at one time they were.Always looking for approval but trying not to be obvious about it. I figured it was easy for her to say she was proud of me for being a Mother and being part of my church. EASY! I had told Beth and Chad the previous night that my parents pretend to not see my Tattoos they don't talk about them. Saturday night I was proven wrong. I went right into it the convo as follows:

Me: So Mom I know you aren't crazy about my tattoos and well me tattooing people. I don't like being close to people or talking to people but I can with this when I am working on sonone it's crazy and I really love it.

Mom: No...you don't know your Mother very well. I don't care if you have tattoos. I see you for Susie just as you are. And if this is where God is taking you and you help people to feel better and your happy. I am proud of you.

Me: Really...ok then

My Dad next to my Mom gave a quick nod in agreement. In my head I kept thinking "WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY!!!!WHAT!!!!WHO IS THIS WOMAN!!!! WHAT!!!!!" I am still dumbfounded and stunned. When I think about it I start to get all leaky eyed (just a little). We talked about other stuff from the past and it is now a level field for she and I. Actually both of them...but my Mother was the one I never thought I could be equal to.

It is a POWERFUL feeling to know your parents support you 100% when you have walked through life questioning everything you did and currently do. Measuring it up against a scale that will never balance. But it is balanced now...like a hole that closed up under me or a wound that miraculously healed. It has given me a kind of freedom within my mind. A peace of mind.

SO now it is onto the purging of my excess I no longer need and on to what I LOVE! My Levitius Ink!

Anywhere and UP!

So if you know me well enough you know I will think myself into trouble, a corner, out of whatever I was already thinking or contemplating. I can move quickly when there is a need to come to a decision but when I do not need to...I think it through. Likely think too much! Anyway...these feeling I have been having over tattooing. This love affair of creativity! The last time I had this great high was when I was in High School and taking Fashion Design. Loved the process the application and then the finished product. As I had gotten older and entered that industry for a few years it made me hate it. It seemed there was no point to it in the end. Create and discard...that is the Fashion Industry. Not that I do not LOVE AND ADORE the Fashion I SO DO but it is what it is and it is all consumerism and in the end it means nothing.

I dislike being very close to people, both emotionally and the human contact stuff. I have my small circle of people who know me well enough that I get past these things. What is bizarre is when tattooing. I HAVE to touch the person I am working on. NO getting around that,and emotionally I am invested in what I am giving them. The two things that are not in my personality to do I can do with ease. It is all very odd and ironic. A few weeks back I came to the decision that since I could not figure out what to do creatively I would do all. Maintain the Saffronruby and Sugarducks, and learn Tattooing. NOW I have come this strange place where I want to even give that up. I will never say completely but absolutely willing to shut it down. Last week I sold my industrial serger. It was a Juki 5 thread with safety stitch. It was a BEAST of a machine. And the only pieced of machinery I kept after Gurlie Show closed. I couldn't let it go. I put it up on Craigslist and it sold in a day. Got the money for it and used it to purchase another machine. Two new tattoo machines by Micky Shaprz. One machine for another. So if I am quiet and I listen to what I am hearing do I act? Because what I am hearing is a scary leap and scarier process.

Over thinking

THAT in a nutshell is what I am pretty much doing. At least for the last couple of weeks. I started this blog to combine my baking/handbag/clothing/jewelry designing. When I got heavily into one of those I would want to stop doing which ever I was into and do another. Ex: designing jewelry made me miss baking and so on. So what did I go on and do. I decided to learn some more stuff...tattooing. This was just an idea 5 years ago when I was pregnant with my second child at 33. It was something that both deeply interested me terrified me at the same time. Did my research and read a lot. But did not get any equipment or attempt anything. 5 years later the desire to learn it came back. In the mist of doing all the other stuff. THAT is when the itch to try came over me. N8 got me a kit and he was the first one I tattooed. 14 stars that were for 14 years of marriage on our wedding anniversary. It was insanity to do it and normally I cannot be pushed into doing something I feel I am not ready for but he somehow did. It is now August and I have gotten past quite a lot of fear learned a lot and have had some very brave people offer to be tattooed. What I have discovered is that I like it...I like it A LOT! I have been suppressing how much I really do love this. I cannot explain what it is doing to me except maybe say that it does fill something in my creative soul that I did not think could ever be filled. Maybe doing all the other stuff was an attempt to fill my creative cup and it just was never happening.

Funny now both my daughter want to learn how to tattoo HA INSANITY I TELL YOU!!! I explained to N8 that the way this makes my soul feel. I could leave all other creative avenues behind to just do this. I have been doing a lot praying and thinking and more praying. I keep hoping God will send me a sign like a vanity plate or random billboard sign possibly. I will take a spooky audible voice! I think I know what my anser will be. I am just terrfied to step in and own that choice. I do not gamble with money or take risky adreniline rush trips. But I do take a lot of risk creatively. This is the greatest one that stands in front of me. I still have this guy from back when N8 and I used to go to Christian Center in my head telling me then how I was "going against God for being tattooed" I have that back up negative voice that says if it goes against God to be Tattooed MAN it must be REALLY BAD if you are the TATTOOER! SERIOUSLY I know this is not true and I know I have grace and God doesn't care about that. Sometimes it is hard to get out of your own way.

New week?

Yuck OUT! Rain forecasted ALL WEEK NICE! This week will be my first week in 67 weeks where I do not bake for Image. That is kind of throwing a wrench in my life. I feel like I don't know what to do with my 8+ hours of NOT baking. I like my routine. It is not there so the strangeness sets in. This weekend is Mother's day. I am not really looking forward to it because I do not want NOR do I need a new cell phone or perfume and tons of chocolate. Wrap me up some time alone where it is quiet. Can't buy that...or really wrap that I guess. This weekend was also my 14 year wedding anniversary. N8 talked me into tattooing him. It was probably the most spontaneous thing I have EVER done...next to running 5 NYC blocks to Rockerfeller Center in 30 degree weather at 8 a.m to see Madonna . Also w/ N8...He really is the only reason I do ANYTHING like that. I am not fly by the seat of my pants gal. I plan,map things out have a direction and a LIST! So back to my rambling of what to do. Maybe I should make a list!

Mergeing blogs

Well I have finally done it! I deleted the bakery blog and MOOSHED it into this blog. I didn't want to delete what was on there. I mean it is still part of what I do and part of me. I love having the record of the what was in the past and now moving into the future. 

This week is the last week till the beginning of next month when I bake for my church again...or the warehouse..heh however one wants to look at it. There is a big part of me that is sad. I am a very routinized person. So to take out what I have done for over a year is kind of huge for me. So what do I do with my time now that I do NOT have to spend those hours making and baking? I am always trying to figure out what I am trying to do with my life or at least where is God trying to push me into. Sometimes it is things I least expect or I am very petulant about NOT wanting to do.

It is that whole thing about wanting to cry but I feel HAPPY thing!

What to do now...

I know I had MORE whackadoodle dreams last night. I just cannot recall them. I emailed my BFF this morning. Told her about my hair cut. By the time I see her next it will be Blonde! HA...can't stay in one place too long when stress abounds. 

So what to do now? Creatively I have entered into the land of RUT. Horrible place to be. I do understand to live in this place it usually is because I was pushed here by stress. Money the great motivator and the stress producer. You never understand more greatly how it takes Money to make Money till you get older. Brother and I am SO not getting any younger. I need to find me a muse....now where to I get my hands on one!